About a month ago I removed all my old blogs at the same time I removed myself from Facebook, it is all part of a journey I have been on for the last 6 months. It's not easy to move forward sometimes and after the passing of my friend some days felt like walking through treacle. Grief is a strange thing at first it is all consuming and then it chooses its days and moments to creep up on you and just hits you like a wave.
In some ways I had been dealing with my friends death for a long time as he was diagnosed with cancer and one battle was fought and won another front opened and it took another piece of him, still the end for me was brutal, having woke up one morning to find his death announced on Facebook the only comfort really was to know he wasn't alone. Death is a strange thing because suddenly everyone becomes very selfish about memories, their part in somebodies life and how they should be remembered. It doesn't take you long to realise as an individual you are not immune to this because each person who felt close to them just wants to keep their own version of them alive.
I had no part in decisions and that was fine I was too far away and even though this was a person I spoke to almost daily and visited often, I know his advice would have been to "let that shit go!" Sometimes all you can do is accept you can play no part, even though you have spent many an hour discussing with them their fears and worries, you just have to accept that sometimes the person you knew was different in so many ways to the face they showed to the world.
That doesn't make things wrong, people have different bubbles they live in and they turn to people for different reasons, they find it easier to talk to one person than another or they have different ways of talking and communicating. It doesn't make the person I knew more special than they were to somebody else, it just means I knew them differently and that is ok.
Friendships are hard to fathom, some friends move in and out of your life and there is no great loss, after all people change but some friends are priceless they know what makes you tick, laugh at you when you can't laugh at yourself and play Mr Blue Sky when you need a kick up the arse. Losing that kind of friend permanently is like having all the laughter sucked out of you and it takes a while to start functioning normally again.
Strangely today is a day I realised things are getting better. I had been growing more frustrated with my back garden (bear with me this will make sense). The thing was my friend had built us a patio and a brick bbq and he loved our garden because he didn't have one. Whenever he visited he loved sitting out there we would have family and friends over and he just loved to sit out there and feel part of my family. So when he passed away for me it was like having two monuments stuck in my back garden and I really found it difficult to just be out there. I opened the door on my garden today and its like a big overgrown mess of weeds and nettles and brambles and that is pretty much what my head has been like overgrown and unable to function for its purpose.
He would have had a go at me for the state of something which yes he had enjoyed but also my family have enjoyed, its not been used this year we haven't sat in it or had any family over or appreciated the fact that he built us this space and we should be enjoying it .
I am under no illusion that this will be an easy task but I need to get to grips with it and start taking care of it because really its a space were I not only remember him in but its a space where my family enjoy and get together.
He would just tell me I'm over sentimental and a typical female and I just need to get on with it and tidy up the garden because there is beer and food to enjoy and I'm wasting time talking as usual!
